Mothers have the reputation of always knowing best and for good reason. They are often the children’s primary caregivers and they’ve helped them through numerous developmental stages. Because of that, mothers have a certain wisdom about their kids and how they are feeling. They can often tell when a child is feeling happy or hurt, or pretending to be either. So they tend to be the first to notice when their child brings home a toxic friend or romantic partner.
Call it maternal instinct?
The idea of a maternal instinct is popular but it’s largely a myth. It gives the idea that mothers innately know what their children need and exactly how to take care of them. In reality, parenthood is a big life adjustment and it comes with a lot of trial and error while “learning on the job”. For instance, a parent may be able to distinguish between the different cries of their newborn. But this doesn’t come from instinct; it comes from hours of observing, caring for, and bonding with the child.
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Call it mother’s wisdom
Instincts, by definition, are rigid and unchanging, but good parenting comes from drive and adaptability. Therefore, “mother knowing best” is not a given; it’s a result of hard work to develop a connection with the child. Therefore, when a mother feels something is “off” about their child’s friend or romantic partner, it’s not a magical intuition. There are grounded reasons behind the “gut feeling” even if the mom can’t put her finger on it.
Reflect first
It’s important to distinguish between a gut feeling and good old-fashioned stress. “Mother’s wisdom” is often used for both. Is the romantic partner actually bad news or are you worried about the child becoming vulnerable to heartbreak for the first time?
One way to distinguish between intuition and fear is that the former tends to feel neutral while the latter comes with charged emotions. Take time to reflect in a relaxing environment on why you might be feeling negative toward the child’s new relationship. Is it because of the other person or something to do with you? For example, you may be upset because of the person’s physical appearance, interests, socioeconomic status, race, etc. Maybe you’re upset because your precious angel could “do better”.
Who is your child really?
If you have a bad gut feeling about a child’s friend or partner, pause to examine your own child. It’s natural for parents to see their kids with rose-colored glasses. But this can lead to parents blaming the social circle for the child’s bad behavior. After all, if our kids are perfect then their friends/partners are the problem. But the truth is that like attracts like. People tend to gravitate to people they feel a kinship with. The traits you dislike about the other person may be present in your child as well.
How to discuss the toxic friend or romantic partner
Don’t assume anything; instead start asking questions in a calm, neutral manner. Children, especially teenagers, can tell when parents are trying to interrogate them or fish for negative answers about the friend/partner. Wait until you can ask from curiosity instead of disapproval. Try questions like:
- What do you like about the person?
- What do you like best about the friendship/relationship?
- What do you enjoy doing together?
- What are your friends/partner’s interests?
At the same time, try to get to know the friend/partner. You may be pleasantly surprised by them, and the child will appreciate the effort. Even if you don’t end up liking them, look for positive qualities; understand why your child is attracted to this person. This will create empathy, which will make the child more likely to confide in you without fear of judgement.
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Don’t oppose outright
If you immediately oppose the friendship/relationship, your child is most likely to stay with the person, just not when you’re around. But by being welcoming, you can observe and monitor the pair up close. You can also respectfully express your specific concerns. For instance, instead of saying that a friend is a bad influence, try “I’m concerned your friend is skipping school since I don’t want you to do that.” Begin a discussion and don’t make threats or ultimatums since this shuts down effective communication.
Let children fail
Unfortunately, children need to make mistakes to learn and improve. All the mothers’ wisdom in the world can’t protect them from getting hurt. However, you can make them feel safe to turn to you for advice and comfort.
“It’s our job to keep our children safe and healthy. It’s not our job to prevent them from experiencing negative emotions or challenging experiences,” says Sarah Bren, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY. “If you are able to identify your own negative feelings about this friendship and also recognize that your child is enjoying this friendship, or perhaps there are bumps and challenges to the relationship that aren’t dangerous, it may be worth sitting back and trusting in your child’s capacity to navigate these rougher waters.”
Let children learn
Moreover, don’t directly complain about the friend’s inappropriate behavior, since this will likely make your child instinctively defend them. Instead, ask how the misconduct makes them feel. For example, if a friend teases your child’s clothes, ask the child how they felt hearing the criticism. This will help them learn and understand what behavior is part of a good friendship/relationship.
“Most of all, we want to send the message to our kids that we trust them to choose pals, engage in relationships, and navigate the sometimes murky waters of friendships,” says Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and director at Horizons Developmental Resource Center in Caledonia, MI. “It doesn’t mean we can’t provide some input, guidance, and be there to support them in their sadness when things don’t go well. But we don’t insert ourselves inappropriately. This is about our kids—not us!”
Make new friends
Encourage the child to make new groups of friends by participating in different activities they enjoy. You can also encourage them to reconnect with old friends. Help make these opportunities possible by offering to provide transportation, space at home, equipment, or the like.
Dangerous individuals
However, don’t doubt “mother’s wisdom” when the friend or partner puts your child in emotional or physical danger. Calmly but firmly express your concerns, and if needed, set boundaries to distance the child and the other person. At the same time, be empathetic and listen to the child’s feelings. Reassure them you love them and want them to have relationships that make them feel safe, confident, and cared for, while explaining how this relationship couldn’t provide that. The child is likely to respond with anger and hurt, so give them space to express these emotions and the time to process them.
Give it time
Sometimes time is the best solution. Friends and romantic interests come and go, especially for children and teenagers. Sometimes the confrontation isn’t necessary because the relationship will dissolve soon enough anyway. Just remember to be empathetic and comforting to the child when they’re upset about the ending of the friendship or romance—even when you’re inwardly celebrating.
